My Christmas Wish

My mom called me at 1 AM in the morning one day. I rejected it. Who the hell picks up calls at 1 AM? However soon after she sms-ed me saying that she wished to inform me that Gong-gong (Grandpa) is in critical condition and she wanted me to check about hospitals in Singapore.

And then it hit me.

For years, I’ve been in a very comfortable status quo. Everyone’s alive and well (except my popo-Grandma from father’s side who died when I was about 7 or 8), everyone’s chirpy and a bit nosy, everyone’s loud and cheery.

It hit me that it’s not to last forever. That at some point of time it will all change, or maybe end. Maybe Grandpa will not laugh loudly at silly things his grandchildren do anymore. Maybe Grandma and Mom won’t be so chirpy anymore. Maybe Dad won’t be so smart as he is now. Maybe Gugu (Aunt) won’t cook delicious food anymore. Maybe Mami (another Aunt) won’t give us free stationery anymore (she runs a stationery shop btw).

Gong-gong is a big guy. Imagining him crippled because of his diabetes is just unbearable. He’s got this smile that everyone in family has. A big, warm, happy smile. Does he still smile now?

I usually never wish for anything at Christmas. Well I don’t even celebrate Christmas “that much” even though I’m a Christian.

Christmas wishlist will typically include material things like new gadgets, toys, clothes, and whatnots. But this year, my first ever Christmas wish will be a longer family status quo, where everyone is happy and well (including inside this, of course, for Gong-gong to get well). And if that’s not possible, I wish for strength to get through this all.

So what’s your Christmas wish?

Dear Mum and Dad

Papa, Mama,

I grew up.

But it hurts. So much.

I want to go back to the earlier years.

I want you to buy me tons of books.

I want you to clap for me when I’m playing the piano, even so horribly.

That was ten years ago, maybe even more, but still.

I want you to cut me fruits and make me tea for my snack while I’m studying.

I want you to give me books while I’m eating on the dining table.

I, strangely, want you to ask about my boyfriend. I love him so dearly, I can’t wait for you to be excited about him.

I want you to let me stay in this status quo, where you guys are still alive, cracking jokes about me and my friends, talking about conspiracy theories and recent happenings.

How long will it last?

I miss you more than you can imagine

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I’m lying alone on my bed in my pitch dark room, looking at the tiny indicator light of the aircon, knowing that you’re not on the other bed, singing or talking nonsense about your day.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I wake up for school and knowing that there won’t be breakfast waiting for me. And when I have to buy something from the foodcourt and not waiting for dinner cooked by you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I have to go to school by bus. The closest I can get is to take taxi, which is very expensive. And the taxi drivers don’t crack jokes like you. And they don’t talk about mind provoking stuff like you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some random bimbo and wondering whether you will grow up to be like them. (Seriously, hopefully not)

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some talentless actors and thinking that you can just screw your school and bad influence friends and train to become like them.

I know I seldom call home or talk to you all. Let me tell you, sometimes it’s best to do that so that my mind won’t be clouded with my longing feeling to meet you all.

But really.

I miss you more than you can imagine.