My Grey World

And so it was over.

Rehearsals after rehearsals left me feeling bleh and super tired, and being the last group in line to perform didn’t help. And hearing Samba Masala (this samba percussion group) practicing their piece over and over again made me cranky. I mean, of course their piece is good and energetic and everything but when you hear them over and over and over and over and over again you just want to throw tomatoes (or anything more “bloody”) to them. It’s not that I don’t like them. Really.

So we sang this song “Go the Distance” from the Disney movie Hercules. It was supposed to be a soloist song which was weirdly purported into choir song. Oh well. Never mind.

I like performing. So when I’m performing I’ll let out my soul free and I’ll express it in the ways possible. Sadly my other choir members might not like performing as much as I do. Oh well. Now I wonder whether I should not have been so expressive since I seem to overpowered them last afternoon.

But all in all it was over and I could get back to my normal life without vigorous rehearsals and late-night blocking practice with all the performers.

I guess.

I think it was my fault.

But right now please let me hating you for being away. Because I’m selfish.

A la Blair Waldorf in the most heartbreaking Gossip Girl episode : Why did you leave without saying goodbye?

And maybe I’m a coward because I have no heart nor courage to stand up, confront you, and say just a simple sentence. You hurt me, and now why do you have to go?

And I decided to blog it because then I can pretend that you read it and you can pretend that it’s not you and we’ll both stay in silence and pretense that we know nothing and we are not involved or connected in anything.

So I forgot. The day you’re supposed to be gone. You already told me. I joked that you’re leaving Singapore, the country that is funding you, on their national day. On that darned National Day I still had works to do coz I just encountered hiccups in my internship and I brought home my work to rectify all the mistakes. So yeah. I just forgot. Poof. I forgot.

I already bought a card for me to write on. I refused to participate in the scrapbook because I said I wanted to make something by myself and they agreed. But I forgot. The card is still there, untouched, unopened. Just like another card I initially bought for you long long time ago but I never had the opportunity to give it because it was not appropriate.

I tried to talk to you as much as I can just before you go, did you realize that? I talked and talked, called you on Gtalk or MSN, just to buy me time until I could say it. Until I could ask. Until I could let you know. Perhaps I didn’t need any reactions. Or perhaps I was imagining how happy it all turned out to be at the end. I might be. I don’t wanna tell you and you don’t need to know. Perhaps you don’t want to know.

So here it goes. This is what I wanted to say.

Hi. You were a good friend of mine. At least I considered you to be so. I could tell you the story of how my life went for that day. You also. You even told me how that time you were stuck in a MRT station coz some idiot decided to kill himself in Admiralty MRT station. We went to churches together because we wanted to do “church-hopping”. We’re Catholics, so what church we’re visiting for the mass doesn’t matter. We ate meals together. At one point of time I felt that I like you more than friends and I thought you felt the same. So there we were, without any certainty, without any words said, we became closer.

And then we were torn apart. By something I don’t know until now. You suddenly became far and at first I just kept silent because I thought you became busy (you did) and maybe, just maybe, later you would have time to spend with me once again and we would sit together for the longest time and talk to each other about the weirdest stuff. Just nice. Just the things I want.

But then you didn’t come back.

I didn’t know how long it was until I realized that you would not come back. MSNs were replied short and cold. Hi-byes became less frequent. Suddenly all degraded to the level of acquaintance. Hi-bye, several short conversations when we need to, and that was it. I lost you.

You know what, it’s not that I still like you or love you or whatever that romantic feeling is that I’m writing this right now, reliving the memories I should not still remember dearly because I’m attached now.

I am now happily attached. For more than 8 months already, and we’re still going strong. Yes, I do love him, and it was not a “sudden” thing that I got attached to him, as you have always inquired. (“Why so sudden? Suddenly you got attached with him?”)

But anyway I don’t want to argue about my relationship with him. You need to know that I do love him.

So here it goes. This is what I want to say.

You hurt me. Badly.

I guess I will never know the reason why you decided to stop pursuing our relationship and I don’t think I need to know. But what hurt me the most was the silence. Even a negative statement wouldn’t hurt this bad. You kept silent. You kept me in confusion, in uncertainty. Back then I would love to wait if you’re busy or whatever. I would love to be understanding and patient enough. I liked you, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. But it was silence that I got. What is silence? Approving silence? Or I-hate-you-now-so-I-won’t-talk-to-you-anymore silence? Or whatever silence?

Silence is not good. I hate silence. I hate that silence state of ours. At first I thought that silence meant we understand each other and stuff but actually I didn’t know. And I don’t know.

So that was the first one. You hurt me with your silence. You hurt me with your uncertainty and sudden withdrawal from my life.

And here goes the next one.

After I-don’t-know-how-long period of crying and thinking what’s wrong and assuming, I finally realized.
I felt hurt so so badly not only because I liked you and our relationship didn’t go well.
But because I lost a friend. A good friend.
I was alone in Singapore goddammit and you were among the first friends I had and you were kind, even though sarcastic, and helpful.

And now here I am.
Forgetting you. The you I knew back then.
I have already tried my best to erase all the “romantic” memories. I deleted the pictures you took with my phone. Or maybe I didn’t, but I transferred it to somewhere and now I’ve forgotten where I put it. I just can’t wear that watch again, which you have set 5 minutes earlier because I was once late meeting you. There are some other things that I have conveniently forgotten, even though I know some other things existed.

And now here I am.
Attached. Not to you.

And now here I am.
Hating you. For hurting me without you even knowing. For making me feel abandoned as a friend. For going away without any chance to patch up even our friendship. For leaving without saying goodbye (even though it was my fault).

And now here I am.
Feeling so bloody stupid writing this and going to publish it soon. Because it doesn’t mention names and it’s so stupid writing an angry and emo letter not addressed to anyone. And hoping in vain and silence that it will struck a chord or something. But why should you, yes? Because it was not directed to you.. Probably.

And now here I am.
Not expecting any response. It’s the matter of saying it out not the matter of how it would turn out.
I just wanted to say what I feel. I wanted to let you know what you did to me.

And now that I’ve said (typed) what I wanted to say,
I’m signing off.

From your life too. Probably.

I missed a choir rehearsal on Thursday.
The president demanded an explanation for the choir.

This letter explains the reason, and also explains why I haven’t been updating regularly.
And to show my sincerest apologies.

Dear choir members,

This is not the best or the most satisfactory or sensible explanation ever, but this is the true account. I encountered some big hiccups in internship and as a result I had to put a lot of effort to mend them. Yesterday was the worst day and I left the office at almost 7 PM (my office hour is only until 5.30 PM), and went to home straight, totally forgetting about the practice I should be attending.

However, I’m really sad that no one bothered to call me or sms me yesterday. I just checked my phone logs whether there were missed calls from one of you. I just checked my phone inbox amidst my many unread messages whether there were any messages I miss. There weren’t any. Forgetting is a lame and unacceptable excuse, I know, and I might seem to be shifting blame to my work/internship problems but if somebody had just called me or smsed me I most probably would have come, even late and all. Hell I’d jump off the bus and go to the nearest bus stop that has buses going to school. Really.

I’m very sorry to miss the practice due to my absent-mindedness. I regret that fact. I admit these few days (or weeks) I’ve been very messed up. I don’t even organize my appointments in my agenda anymore, which is very rare for a person like me if you know me very well. So I beg you all, please, call me, sms me when I don’t show up. Trust me, I won’t intentionally miss a rehearsal just because I’m not feeling like it. I have been coming to most of the rehearsals and practices, despite being late for my inability to wake up/function in weekends’ mornings, or despite being wary and tired after work. I tried my best to come on time for Saturday rehearsals and I did succeed. I always come to night practices, even when I had classes until 6.45 PM, even when I had work. You know you can trust me.

I hope you’ll all forgive me and help me learn the steps/moves/positions.

Sorry.

To readers, please note that I’m not blaming them. It was solely my fault and my absent-mindedness from the first place. I just wish that they had told me, so all this thing would have been avoidable. But I admit it was my fault anyway… So stupid for not even putting it into my agenda. Guess there’s no way to fix this but to show up at the next practice, and learn the steps fast. Wish me luck.

Cece was excited and eager to see you ever since Cece’s sister (Cece Fiona/Ona) told Cece that Khew Mei (Auntie) was pregnant with you. Cece even browsed a lot of baby names website to search for a name for you. Cece has given names to your brother and sisters, even though only the middle name.

Cece is not coming home to Jakarta this year due to one or many reasons Cece hates. Cece was very, very busy, and then Cece Fiona sms-ed Cece to say that you had been born, and named Nicole days before. Cece was quite pissed, why didn’t she get told immediately earlier? Why did they forget me? Seems like your Kuku (auntie) and Kuchong (uncle) and other Ceces were too busy to inform Cece.

Soon enough, Cece Fiona updated Cece again. She said you were born with only one eye, and it had not been known whether it worked properly. Cece’s heart broke. But Cece still wanted to see you, even once. Cece wanted you to know and recognize Cece, who was also eager to see you coming to world.

But what can Cece do?

Yesterday, amidst of many unread Twitter messages that Cece was too lazy to read, Cece found an sms from Cece Fiona. It was just a sentence. One sentence. Five words.

“Nicole has just passed away….”

Cece cried. Hard.
Cece doesn’t really know why. She’s never seen you. You didn’t even know that Cece existed. Even Cece’s family had not been very eager to share news about you to Cece.
But Cece cried.

Perhaps you didn’t want to be a burden to your parents, who has already had 3 children. Perhaps you were suffering so much. Perhaps you couldn’t bear to see your parents suffering. Perhaps you didn’t want to live an imperfect life, and wanted to leave as soon as possible while you can.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps.. Quizás quizás quizás…

Whatever it might be……..

It’s unbelievable. It’s surreal. Before Cece has even had a chance to witness your existence, you are gone.

Rest in peace, Nicole.
Cece loves you. Cece knows she does. Even though she’s never seen you.

Oh baby baby, the reason I breath is youuuu.. Boy you got me blinded!

In case you don’t know, that was from Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time!

I have no time to properly update this blog so right now. So many things to doooooooo. just follow me in my plurk ok! It has my latest updates about.. er.. everything.

Join me on Plurk too! It’s fun. Enough said.

After the piano exam yesterday (by the way, it went quite ok. I guess. Wasn’t my best though. Was shivering >_<"), I went around Singapore Garden Festival (photos will be up soon!) and Marina Square.

Saw this dress in Dorothy Perkins..

Very cute no?
But it was $103!! WTF!!
It’s of a good material though… Very nice and not itchy… The cutting is also very nice. No unnecessary creases. I sound like a fashion geek. My mom’s in garment industry.

Sigh.. I hope the next sale for this batch will come soon!

In less than 10 hours i’ll be having my grade 7 ABRSM practical piano exam. I’ve been learning piano since.. I don’t know. I actually stopped when I moved to Singapore but my mom told me to continue since I only have 2 grades left.

Lack of practice/time to practice has left me rusty and uncoordinated =( but i hope i’ll still pass…

Wish me luck!