When I’m lying alone on my bed in my pitch dark room, looking at the tiny indicator light of the aircon, knowing that you’re not on the other bed, singing or talking nonsense about your day.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I wake up for school and knowing that there won’t be breakfast waiting for me. And when I have to buy something from the foodcourt and not waiting for dinner cooked by you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I have to go to school by bus. The closest I can get is to take taxi, which is very expensive. And the taxi drivers don’t crack jokes like you. And they don’t talk about mind provoking stuff like you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some random bimbo and wondering whether you will grow up to be like them. (Seriously, hopefully not)

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some talentless actors and thinking that you can just screw your school and bad influence friends and train to become like them.

I know I seldom call home or talk to you all. Let me tell you, sometimes it’s best to do that so that my mind won’t be clouded with my longing feeling to meet you all.

But really.

I miss you more than you can imagine.

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But right now please let me hating you for being away. Because I’m selfish.

A la Blair Waldorf in the most heartbreaking Gossip Girl episode : Why did you leave without saying goodbye?

And maybe I’m a coward because I have no heart nor courage to stand up, confront you, and say just a simple sentence. You hurt me, and now why do you have to go?

And I decided to blog it because then I can pretend that you read it and you can pretend that it’s not you and we’ll both stay in silence and pretense that we know nothing and we are not involved or connected in anything.

So I forgot. The day you’re supposed to be gone. You already told me. I joked that you’re leaving Singapore, the country that is funding you, on their national day. On that darned National Day I still had works to do coz I just encountered hiccups in my internship and I brought home my work to rectify all the mistakes. So yeah. I just forgot. Poof. I forgot.

I already bought a card for me to write on. I refused to participate in the scrapbook because I said I wanted to make something by myself and they agreed. But I forgot. The card is still there, untouched, unopened. Just like another card I initially bought for you long long time ago but I never had the opportunity to give it because it was not appropriate.

I tried to talk to you as much as I can just before you go, did you realize that? I talked and talked, called you on Gtalk or MSN, just to buy me time until I could say it. Until I could ask. Until I could let you know. Perhaps I didn’t need any reactions. Or perhaps I was imagining how happy it all turned out to be at the end. I might be. I don’t wanna tell you and you don’t need to know. Perhaps you don’t want to know.

So here it goes. This is what I wanted to say.

Hi. You were a good friend of mine. At least I considered you to be so. I could tell you the story of how my life went for that day. You also. You even told me how that time you were stuck in a MRT station coz some idiot decided to kill himself in Admiralty MRT station. We went to churches together because we wanted to do “church-hopping”. We’re Catholics, so what church we’re visiting for the mass doesn’t matter. We ate meals together. At one point of time I felt that I like you more than friends and I thought you felt the same. So there we were, without any certainty, without any words said, we became closer.

And then we were torn apart. By something I don’t know until now. You suddenly became far and at first I just kept silent because I thought you became busy (you did) and maybe, just maybe, later you would have time to spend with me once again and we would sit together for the longest time and talk to each other about the weirdest stuff. Just nice. Just the things I want.

But then you didn’t come back.

I didn’t know how long it was until I realized that you would not come back. MSNs were replied short and cold. Hi-byes became less frequent. Suddenly all degraded to the level of acquaintance. Hi-bye, several short conversations when we need to, and that was it. I lost you.

You know what, it’s not that I still like you or love you or whatever that romantic feeling is that I’m writing this right now, reliving the memories I should not still remember dearly because I’m attached now.

I am now happily attached. For more than 8 months already, and we’re still going strong. Yes, I do love him, and it was not a “sudden” thing that I got attached to him, as you have always inquired. (“Why so sudden? Suddenly you got attached with him?”)

But anyway I don’t want to argue about my relationship with him. You need to know that I do love him.

So here it goes. This is what I want to say.

You hurt me. Badly.

I guess I will never know the reason why you decided to stop pursuing our relationship and I don’t think I need to know. But what hurt me the most was the silence. Even a negative statement wouldn’t hurt this bad. You kept silent. You kept me in confusion, in uncertainty. Back then I would love to wait if you’re busy or whatever. I would love to be understanding and patient enough. I liked you, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. But it was silence that I got. What is silence? Approving silence? Or I-hate-you-now-so-I-won’t-talk-to-you-anymore silence? Or whatever silence?

Silence is not good. I hate silence. I hate that silence state of ours. At first I thought that silence meant we understand each other and stuff but actually I didn’t know. And I don’t know.

So that was the first one. You hurt me with your silence. You hurt me with your uncertainty and sudden withdrawal from my life.

And here goes the next one.

After I-don’t-know-how-long period of crying and thinking what’s wrong and assuming, I finally realized.
I felt hurt so so badly not only because I liked you and our relationship didn’t go well.
But because I lost a friend. A good friend.
I was alone in Singapore goddammit and you were among the first friends I had and you were kind, even though sarcastic, and helpful.

And now here I am.
Forgetting you. The you I knew back then.
I have already tried my best to erase all the “romantic” memories. I deleted the pictures you took with my phone. Or maybe I didn’t, but I transferred it to somewhere and now I’ve forgotten where I put it. I just can’t wear that watch again, which you have set 5 minutes earlier because I was once late meeting you. There are some other things that I have conveniently forgotten, even though I know some other things existed.

And now here I am.
Attached. Not to you.

And now here I am.
Hating you. For hurting me without you even knowing. For making me feel abandoned as a friend. For going away without any chance to patch up even our friendship. For leaving without saying goodbye (even though it was my fault).

And now here I am.
Feeling so bloody stupid writing this and going to publish it soon. Because it doesn’t mention names and it’s so stupid writing an angry and emo letter not addressed to anyone. And hoping in vain and silence that it will struck a chord or something. But why should you, yes? Because it was not directed to you.. Probably.

And now here I am.
Not expecting any response. It’s the matter of saying it out not the matter of how it would turn out.
I just wanted to say what I feel. I wanted to let you know what you did to me.

And now that I’ve said (typed) what I wanted to say,
I’m signing off.

From your life too. Probably.

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Cece is not coming home to Jakarta this year due to one or many reasons Cece hates. Cece was very, very busy, and then Cece Fiona sms-ed Cece to say that you had been born, and named Nicole days before. Cece was quite pissed, why didn’t she get told immediately earlier? Why did they forget me? Seems like your Kuku (auntie) and Kuchong (uncle) and other Ceces were too busy to inform Cece.

Soon enough, Cece Fiona updated Cece again. She said you were born with only one eye, and it had not been known whether it worked properly. Cece’s heart broke. But Cece still wanted to see you, even once. Cece wanted you to know and recognize Cece, who was also eager to see you coming to world.

But what can Cece do?

Yesterday, amidst of many unread Twitter messages that Cece was too lazy to read, Cece found an sms from Cece Fiona. It was just a sentence. One sentence. Five words.

“Nicole has just passed away….”

Cece cried. Hard.
Cece doesn’t really know why. She’s never seen you. You didn’t even know that Cece existed. Even Cece’s family had not been very eager to share news about you to Cece.
But Cece cried.

Perhaps you didn’t want to be a burden to your parents, who has already had 3 children. Perhaps you were suffering so much. Perhaps you couldn’t bear to see your parents suffering. Perhaps you didn’t want to live an imperfect life, and wanted to leave as soon as possible while you can.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps.. Quizás quizás quizás…

Whatever it might be……..

It’s unbelievable. It’s surreal. Before Cece has even had a chance to witness your existence, you are gone.

Rest in peace, Nicole.
Cece loves you. Cece knows she does. Even though she’s never seen you.

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This Good Friday I went to Church of St Peter and Paul. Initially I and my boyfriend wanted to go to the Cathedral of Good Shepherd but we have heard news about it being overcrowded. Heh. It’s usually overcrowded even in usual Sundays. Can’t imagine the crowd on this special day. Novena church even put a temporary “tent” outside the church building equipped with plastic chairs, fans, and projectors+screens.

And we were right! The church wasn’t overcrowded, and the choir sang pretty nicely. Unlike the choir of Novena Church that we heard on Holy Thursday.

After the service (which included stand-kneel-stand rites and kissing the cross), we decided to eat and walk around Bugis Junction. As a typical girl I went around to see the newest earrings and other accessories and then lamented the super expensive price. (seriously, why put price so high? I can buy many cheap earrings online. Like Bobo’s blog shop. Hehe!)

Few days ago I teased my boyfriend how we never have a “couple” thing. You know, something in pairs. Something very lovey-dovey, in my opinion. As I grow up I’ve grown more ignorant to these types of “romantic things to be done with boyfriend”.

But, well… =P

Apparently my boyfriend is a sucker for cute things too =P (sorry, honey =P)
The moment we saw those things we instantly fell in love and impulsively bought it!

There are many pictures so read more to continue =)

We bought this pair of mugs. Well, actually they’re identical. But when placed next to each other..

Voila

A closer look..

Then we also bought the matching handphone charms! It’s of the same design and really really cute..

When we opened the charms.. Apparently there are connecting parts inside, too!

It reads “Love Story”.. Hehehe.

This is how it looks on my boyfriend’s phone. Taken using my phone.

And this is how it looks on my phone. Photo taken using my boyfriend’s phone.

Sigh.. Now you know whose handphone has a better camera.

Well that’s all for today!

P.S. By the way people.. You do know why I’m putting my Amazon’s Wish List widget on the sidebar right? *winks winks*

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anyway..

Arrrgghhh why is my FLickr post bar not working??? It hinders my blogging!! Grrrr

*turning to ScribeFire*

Okay, first off. Get a piece of paper, a pencil, a ruler, and a pair of scissors. Ready to go!

I have prepared “19 reasons why you should be happy that you’re turning 19 on March 18 2008″. Well if you can see in the picture it’s not 19 yet.. Well it took time to think about 19, you know!

I hand-wrote all the reasons on the paper lined earlier.

And sooo the reasons are cut one by one..

Finished cutting. It was kinda tiring..

Getting the pencils ready. You didn’t think I was going to give the reasons just like THAT, right? These pencils are metallic and colourful. Got them from Daiso. Hehe.

Another type of pencil I used. Just a simple wooden pencil. Got them from Daiso too.

On to the wrapping!

Wrap wrap wrap..

They look like birthday candles no?

The close up of the pencils.. This could have been a pretty picture had I had a better camera.

Hehehehehehehe. This is the 19th reason! Guess what the 19th reason is! =P

The mess left.. Hahaha

What’s left of the paper. My reasons were too wide so I had to trim them one by one.

Now is time to package them!

Due to time constraint.. I can only use this white envelope.

I hand-wrote those decorations too! It was “reasons” using different styles!

Stuff the pencils inside..

Add two cute rabbit-head pin and it’s good to go! LOLz

Now is time for the next present…

After finished packaging suddenly a crazy idea pops out in my mind. And I quickly grab my purse and go to the nearest FairPrice at Shaw Plaza.

And here it is…
Chocolate cornflake “cake”!
You will know why I put the cake into quotes…

The first step..

Melt the chocolate!
I have very few cooking utensils at my home (I and my housemates usually eat out anyway). So I use anything I can find.

Arrange the cornflakes into cupcake cups. Hahaha. Couldn’t find any other appropriate cups and my time was limited.. So yah I juz bought whatever was available.
Initially I only wanted to make a few pieces.. Maybe like 10?

I poured the chocolate and sprinkled hundreds and thousands. I ended up making 19 pieces. Coz it’s his 19th birthday, remember?
I know, I know, the chocolate cornflakes are far from pretty and super messy. My very first attempt, ok?

Oh and because I don’t have any tray whatsoever, I juz used serviettes and spread them on the kitchen counter. It’s pretty easy and clean, actually. After finished doing everything I just gather the serviettes and throw them away. No washing necessary.

The close up.. Damn, I really want a proper digital camera. Preferably with macro. =(

And thennnnnnn….
I was confused about how to present the chocolate cornflakes for him. I didn’t have any board or anything that resembles that and I didn’t have time to go out and buy something again. And sooooo.. I proudly call myself creative. I took a plate and arrange the pieces in a circular way and pile some of them up and ta-dah! You can see the result!

another view of the “cake”

And here’s my boyfriend with the “cake”. Wonder what he’s looking at. Hahahaha.

He’s opening the presents! And as expected.. He only found 18 reasons inside the envelope and asked me for the 19th reason. So I gave him that enormous pencil… Hehehe.. I didn’t have time to take photo since he was already busy… Ehm… Hehehehehe =P

Happy birthday my darling! Hope you have a blast!

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Sad. Disappointed.

Friends keep telling me it’s okay, but please. It’s not. It’s happened. And it’s going to affect my final result.

Depressed.

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I know I should be feeling happy and lovey-dovey and all, especially since I’m attached on Valentine’s day, but I really feel kinda sad right now…

It’s just that.. Everything doesn’t turn out as I expected. I haven’t been planning for my Valentine’s day simply because I was too confused on what to do and when I finally decided on something, that plan can’t be executed… =(

I know my boyfriend is planning for me some dinner or some kind, but still.. I feel guilty.. This is a special Valentine for me. I mean, I’ve been attached several times (4 times to be exact) but this time.. It’s really different. I mean, he even took me to see his parents. Ain’t that something? My previous ex-boyfriends only said that they’re going to take our relationship kinda higher but in the end.. Never happened.

And this is the first time that I can spend Valentine’s day away from my parents. I’m not being mean. It’s just that.. I gotta admit that I’m more free. Which means.. I got plenty of opportunities to spend with my boyfriend. My previous relationships have been “back-street” which was kinda fun while having certain limitations.

I know he’s been going so much trouble to plan for something. And, well, you know, it’s the Valentine’s Day. I don’t believe people saying “Why celebrate? Everyday is Valentine’s Day!”. (Seriously, those people must be single.) The Valentine’s Day only happened once a year. And while a year also has so many events to be celebrated (monthversary, anniversary, birthdays), it’s just… Different.

And tomorrow I have a meeting scheduled at 9.30-12.00. And then I have a short piano course from 14.30 to 15.30. And most probably there would be another meeting at 15.30-17.00. See? I can’t get enough time to plan or to buy or to do anything.

Dear my darling,
if you see this,
please know that I feel so bad and guilty and sorry.
And I love you…

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My relationship turned 2 months at 25 January and so we decided to get together and.. just be merry =D

Actually we already talked about this since we were still in holiday at Jakarta. We should buy a cake and eat together, celebrating Christmas, New Year, and our 1st monthversary (that time).

Actually that’s just a lame reason for us to eat a cake together XD

So yeah… This post will have many photos! So please read more to continue..

Following my friend Yanice’s advise, I went to Takashimaya foodcourt to buy the cake from this particular patisserie.

Dear came to home and brought me my favourite fried dumplings!

It’s available in a hawker centre near his house.

A closer look to the dumpling..

Annnnnd here’s the cake!

Dear opening the box..

Peek-a-boo~ What’s inside?

Ta-dah~!

Well if you have been a reader of mine for quite some time.. You might recognize the cake..

Yeah, it’s the same birthday cake that my friend gave me at my 18th birthday!

I remember how delicious it was so I decided to buy it again =P

So it’s time to eat the cake!

First we take the chocolate…

It’s a very delicious white chocolate~

Random close up of my boyfriend =P

Then we take the fruits..

First the strawberry..

the close up of the strawberry (it’s yummy too~)

This is what happened to the kiwi..

Coz I don’t like the skin…. =P

Finally cut the cake! This is the one I gave to my boyfriend.. I know, I know, not neat –;

My boyfriend happy with the cake…

Hehehe. <3 u, darling =D

And this is the one cut by my boyfriend for me..

Ugh. It’s neater….

However, when he tried to cut it again..

It fell apart!

Mwahahahahaha. I feel neater =P

So in short,
I’m happy to last 2 months with you darling.
Looking forward for the coming months, and even years…. =)

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It sure feels longer.
And I hope it will be even longer =)

I pray
that I will have strength
courage
perseverance

To stay still and be at your side..

Don’t you worry about a thing, coz I’m staying.

And everything’s gonna be ok……… =)

Dearest readers,
I sincerely ask for your prayers for my beloved boyfriend.
He hasn’t been very well and we haven’t quite known what’s really wrong
‘Til we know, we seek your prayers and support.
Thank you =)

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out of those ppl who like u or approach u,i’m the one who really luv u.

I’m the one. You don’t need to worry about any others.

=)

Of course, my boyfriend didn’t write this. He’s not that poetic type. All text here is copyright of me, so yea, I wrote it =P
Originally in sms. I intentionally send the message via bluetooth to my computer to be copy-pasted. LoL.