Protected: What was it about? (ask me for pw – u know where to)

Comfort Zone

Here I am again, at my comfort zone. In a house where I don’t need to worry about food on plate and dirty laundry or room.

For how long should I be here, I don’t know. I haven’t even bought a ticket back to Singapore. It’s like I’ve been home for so long I almost forgot how Singapore looks like.

I think I have to convince myself to just go, to just dive in, to just step out and face it.

I’ve done it before when 4 years ago I came into Singapore, without anyone, without knowing anything. I survived.

But I dunno if I want to prolong it…

To Challenge Myself, is the next step

Found this brilliant comic by Stuart McMillen that portrays exactly how I feel to finally finish an education.

Though reluctant, I realize that to challenge myself, rather than overcoming challenges in education, is definitely my next step.

I can’t believe I cried while reading the comic.

Below is only the thumbnail of the comic (original comic is huge and long).

Please enjoy the full-sized comic at Stuart’s site : Recombinant Records

Last Week of School. OMG Really?

Before I even stepped in SMU, I had already prepared a post in my mind to release when I’m about to graduate.

It would talk about my feelings. About my takeaways. About how I treasure the opportunities I have managed to attain. About how all my previous struggles had been worth it.

But seriously?

I actually don’t know what to feel right now. I know for sure, for years when I finish school after school, there was only joy. I couldn’t wait to move forward. I couldn’t wait to leave the past behind.

And yet now is the first time ever when there is no certainty after the finish line.

I kinda realized that it’s the last week of school really late. I just realized earlier this week that I have no exams. Only a final test this Saturday (3 April), summary and reflection paper due on Friday and Saturday, and then a short story due on next Monday (5 April), and then I’m done. Done. Finito.

I was like, really? This is it?

I suppose it’s the case with many people. You don’t really realize what you have been through until the last minutes of it. And right now I wonder whether I haven’t savoured the experience, the last days, enough.

And I still don’t know what to feel….

From Baby to Biggie (or so we thought)

I, like many other people in the whole world, am sometimes peeved by the way my parents still treat me as a baby. Thankfully they don’t call me up at night and ask me whether I’ve eaten anymore (ugh, so Asian!), but they still feel that they have an authority over me to decide some stuff.

Perhaps it’s this “adult syndrome”, or perhaps more appropriately “21 syndrome”, when you feel that you have reached that stage where you should be allowed to make decisions solely by yourself without any influence by any other people.

Too many people correlate this privilege with age though. Which is age-ist. Sometimes I don’t think numbers really show how mature you really are.

Though I have thought of myself of being more mature than people my age, then again, who am I to say? I might be 20 going on 21 but I still cry like a baby whenever I miss my dad/people at home.

Furthermore, I’m a first child of the family. After +/- 20 years babying me, it must be pretty hard for my parents to adapt to the fact that I’m all grown up (or so I thought!).

And hence, I think I’m gonna enjoy this baby-ing stage a little bit more until my parents become too busy to baby me. Haha!

Hello Twenty Ten

I realized I haven’t really ushered in the new year 2010 and to me that’s like a customary tradition on my blog.

Yeah, right. Like you have any tradition, Sylv.

Anyway, this year shall be a scary year for me. A lot of transformation will take place this year. I’ll be 21, legal for everything, considered adult for everything (like, finally???). I’ll finish school life and begin a corporate life (that is, if I find a job, of course). I will lose weight for good, and I mean it! I’ll look like what I used to look like and probably better

I have mixed feelings about those big, possibly life-changing upcoming events. It can be drastic, mind-boggling, but I’m excited about them anyway.

I hope this year will be an exciting one for you too.

The End is Near

As cliche as it may sound, it’s true.

My years in SMU (and possibly Singapore) is ending. In approximately 7 months, I will receive a fancy-looking scroll, take photos in my big baggy regalia, and throw my square hats to the air.

When I first came to SMU, I was 17. I thought I was ready for everything – I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do yet. I thought within 4 years, something, somehow, would come to me and I would steer my way to that.

But nuh-uh. Not quite. Sadly.

When I first tried my hands on programming/coding, I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. Then more stuff came about networking, information security, enterprise integration, architectural analysis, more network infrastructure, etc etc etc. I thought maybe I should just find my feet. Maybe it would get better.

It didn’t.

Year after year, I spent my years in SMU (still) trying to find out what I should do in life. I kept doing everything I want. I blogged actively and became active in a blogging scene. I joined a choir and sang with them in a myriad of performances. I even tried out to become a songwriter – my song was showcased in a musical play in 2008. I managed a gamelan (Indonesian music ensemble) club. I did two internships. I did a web design/development one, and then I did an online marketing (as account executive) one.

I kept waiting for that one moment when, at the drop of a hat, I feel some butterflies – when I feel that this is what I want to do. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is what I’m glad to be doing now – and many years to come.

It didn’t come.

So right now, as the end is looming, I’ve given some thoughts that there are two things that I can do right now.

1. Keep trying different things. Even if I don’t like it, at least I’ll know what I’m not supposed to do.

2. Choose. Separate the sheep from the goats. And make peace, be at ease with whatever my choice is.

Right now, I know my time is running out to try even more different things. Honestly? After 20 years, I’m tired. My parents were great to give me a lot of opportunities to try and do different things. But I’m tired now. I’m 20, I’m about to graduate from university, I suck at school, and I have no direction where to go.

So the next best thing is to choose. Yet I don’t know what to choose, what to do for many many years to come. How can I plan for those years to come if I can’t even decide what to do immediately after I finished all my classes in SMU? Should I go to China to study Mandarin? Should I go back to Jakarta and enjoy relaxed life before working life? Should I stay in Singapore and try to find a job immediately?

Hell, I can’t even plan on what to eat tomorrow.

PS: If you see a lot of idioms scattered around this post, this is because my professor suggested me that I should practice on using more idioms. I’m glad that she actually likes my writing, but she said my grammar and use of idioms let me down. So this is the best avenue to practice!

The things to do at 2009

Ok I have 27 minutes to finish this blog post (I started writing at 23:33 PM Singapore time).

I’ve always hated the idea of making resolutions. Why should we? Why wait until new year to do/get new things?

But then I’m changing a lot this year so I guess.. I’m gonna make a resolution for the next year. But since I still quite hate the word resolution because it’s used too often, let’s just call it in layman term : “the things to do at 2009″.

So what to do? I have this idea from a person I know (identity hidden to protect privacy ), when he asked me about 3 things : What you want to start doing, what you want to stop doing, and what you want to do less. So let’s just group “the things to do at 2009″ to these 3 categories, shall we?

What to stop doing

“What to stop doing” and “what to do less” is a bit tricky. It’s very close to each other. Some things you have to really stop, quit, until it’s zilch, nada because it’s better that way. Some things you just have to do a wee bit less, because not doing it (at all) will be detrimental. Don’t think too much for that sentence coz I dunno what I’m talking about either. Anyway. What to stop doing. I want to stop doing emotional eating. AKA I’m so stressed so I’ll just eat. This includes pressing down the cravings too. I know my weight is really bordering dangerous, and seeing my grandpa’s down with diabetes, and knowing that my mom already has diabetes, I can’t help being scared can I? So I have to really really cut down on that emotional eating stuff. No, I have to stop. For the first step, I’ll probably eat some fruits whenever that emotional eating wind hits me.

What to start doing

I want to start doing a big project. A big project that I can be proud of. Perhaps writing a novel. Or setting up an online shop. Honestly, I don’t know yet. But I want to have a project, a baby that I care for, besides my mundane life that circles around school and school. Another thing to start doing, I want to start to let/force my logic take over my emotions. This is in line with the point above : to stop emotional eating. Whenever that emotional eating wind hits me and whenever craving comes, my logic knows exactly that I shouldn’t do the eating. Coz eating again and again will just make me even fatter and getting fatter will make me stressed and I’m gonna eat again and.. You know the whole cycle. So yeah. I hope I can lose weight to my healthy weight range the next year! (now this sounds like a typical resolution)

What to do less

Now it was quite tricky to think about things to put here. I wanted to put them in “what to stop doing” immediately but after I think again.. Nah, maybe not. Anyway… So what I think I should do less. I think I should do less worrying. I’m such a worrywart and sometimes it’s bordering panicky or as Singaporeans say it, kan chiong. The thing is, I worry so much that it stresses me out and giving me even more problems (most notably my irregular sleep cycle and my insomnia). However, I believe that I should not stop worrying, like really thinking about nothing in the future and everything. I believe I should worry just a bit. I believe I should keep looking forward to the future. What will my action get me to? What will my decision bring me to? What are the things I should keep in check? And of course also worrying (but not too much) whether I’ve been really doing what I’ve promised myself to do in 2009 (aka the things to do at 2009). So yeah. 

And I guess another thing to do less is spending too much time online. You know, facebook and plurk and everything else. Talking with people online and stalking them and you know… The stuff you do online. I think I’m too used to do these that it borders addiction. (Or maybe i’m already addicted). I guess I should spend more time outside online life, like doing gyms to lose weight or working on big project. However, I believe I should not really really stop and disconnect, coz I believe in the power of online connections. And, urgh, no matter how I hate to say that term, social media is THE place, THE thing to go for 2009, and probably a few more years. I believe immersing in this stuff (I just hate saying that term for no reason, sorry) will benefit me greatly in the long run.

So yeah. Phew. I finished it before it’s new year. (it’s 23:53 when I’m writing these letters right now)

Here’s a greeting of Happy New Year to all my readers and wishing you all the good things! (coz I’m too lazy to specify the things)

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!!!!