From Baby to Biggie (or so we thought)

I, like many other people in the whole world, am sometimes peeved by the way my parents still treat me as a baby. Thankfully they don’t call me up at night and ask me whether I’ve eaten anymore (ugh, so Asian!), but they still feel that they have an authority over me to decide some stuff.

Perhaps it’s this “adult syndrome”, or perhaps more appropriately “21 syndrome”, when you feel that you have reached that stage where you should be allowed to make decisions solely by yourself without any influence by any other people.

Too many people correlate this privilege with age though. Which is age-ist. Sometimes I don’t think numbers really show how mature you really are.

Though I have thought of myself of being more mature than people my age, then again, who am I to say? I might be 20 going on 21 but I still cry like a baby whenever I miss my dad/people at home.

Furthermore, I’m a first child of the family. After +/- 20 years babying me, it must be pretty hard for my parents to adapt to the fact that I’m all grown up (or so I thought!).

And hence, I think I’m gonna enjoy this baby-ing stage a little bit more until my parents become too busy to baby me. Haha!

Hello Twenty Ten

I realized I haven’t really ushered in the new year 2010 and to me that’s like a customary tradition on my blog.

Yeah, right. Like you have any tradition, Sylv.

Anyway, this year shall be a scary year for me. A lot of transformation will take place this year. I’ll be 21, legal for everything, considered adult for everything (like, finally???). I’ll finish school life and begin a corporate life (that is, if I find a job, of course). I will lose weight for good, and I mean it! I’ll look like what I used to look like and probably better

I have mixed feelings about those big, possibly life-changing upcoming events. It can be drastic, mind-boggling, but I’m excited about them anyway.

I hope this year will be an exciting one for you too.

The End is Near

As cliche as it may sound, it’s true.

My years in SMU (and possibly Singapore) is ending. In approximately 7 months, I will receive a fancy-looking scroll, take photos in my big baggy regalia, and throw my square hats to the air.

When I first came to SMU, I was 17. I thought I was ready for everything – I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do yet. I thought within 4 years, something, somehow, would come to me and I would steer my way to that.

But nuh-uh. Not quite. Sadly.

When I first tried my hands on programming/coding, I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. Then more stuff came about networking, information security, enterprise integration, architectural analysis, more network infrastructure, etc etc etc. I thought maybe I should just find my feet. Maybe it would get better.

It didn’t.

Year after year, I spent my years in SMU (still) trying to find out what I should do in life. I kept doing everything I want. I blogged actively and became active in a blogging scene. I joined a choir and sang with them in a myriad of performances. I even tried out to become a songwriter – my song was showcased in a musical play in 2008. I managed a gamelan (Indonesian music ensemble) club. I did two internships. I did a web design/development one, and then I did an online marketing (as account executive) one.

I kept waiting for that one moment when, at the drop of a hat, I feel some butterflies – when I feel that this is what I want to do. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is what I’m glad to be doing now – and many years to come.

It didn’t come.

So right now, as the end is looming, I’ve given some thoughts that there are two things that I can do right now.

1. Keep trying different things. Even if I don’t like it, at least I’ll know what I’m not supposed to do.

2. Choose. Separate the sheep from the goats. And make peace, be at ease with whatever my choice is.

Right now, I know my time is running out to try even more different things. Honestly? After 20 years, I’m tired. My parents were great to give me a lot of opportunities to try and do different things. But I’m tired now. I’m 20, I’m about to graduate from university, I suck at school, and I have no direction where to go.

So the next best thing is to choose. Yet I don’t know what to choose, what to do for many many years to come. How can I plan for those years to come if I can’t even decide what to do immediately after I finished all my classes in SMU? Should I go to China to study Mandarin? Should I go back to Jakarta and enjoy relaxed life before working life? Should I stay in Singapore and try to find a job immediately?

Hell, I can’t even plan on what to eat tomorrow.

PS: If you see a lot of idioms scattered around this post, this is because my professor suggested me that I should practice on using more idioms. I’m glad that she actually likes my writing, but she said my grammar and use of idioms let me down. So this is the best avenue to practice!

The things to do at 2009

Ok I have 27 minutes to finish this blog post (I started writing at 23:33 PM Singapore time).

I’ve always hated the idea of making resolutions. Why should we? Why wait until new year to do/get new things?

But then I’m changing a lot this year so I guess.. I’m gonna make a resolution for the next year. But since I still quite hate the word resolution because it’s used too often, let’s just call it in layman term : “the things to do at 2009″.

So what to do? I have this idea from a person I know (identity hidden to protect privacy ), when he asked me about 3 things : What you want to start doing, what you want to stop doing, and what you want to do less. So let’s just group “the things to do at 2009″ to these 3 categories, shall we?

What to stop doing

“What to stop doing” and “what to do less” is a bit tricky. It’s very close to each other. Some things you have to really stop, quit, until it’s zilch, nada because it’s better that way. Some things you just have to do a wee bit less, because not doing it (at all) will be detrimental. Don’t think too much for that sentence coz I dunno what I’m talking about either. Anyway. What to stop doing. I want to stop doing emotional eating. AKA I’m so stressed so I’ll just eat. This includes pressing down the cravings too. I know my weight is really bordering dangerous, and seeing my grandpa’s down with diabetes, and knowing that my mom already has diabetes, I can’t help being scared can I? So I have to really really cut down on that emotional eating stuff. No, I have to stop. For the first step, I’ll probably eat some fruits whenever that emotional eating wind hits me.

What to start doing

I want to start doing a big project. A big project that I can be proud of. Perhaps writing a novel. Or setting up an online shop. Honestly, I don’t know yet. But I want to have a project, a baby that I care for, besides my mundane life that circles around school and school. Another thing to start doing, I want to start to let/force my logic take over my emotions. This is in line with the point above : to stop emotional eating. Whenever that emotional eating wind hits me and whenever craving comes, my logic knows exactly that I shouldn’t do the eating. Coz eating again and again will just make me even fatter and getting fatter will make me stressed and I’m gonna eat again and.. You know the whole cycle. So yeah. I hope I can lose weight to my healthy weight range the next year! (now this sounds like a typical resolution)

What to do less

Now it was quite tricky to think about things to put here. I wanted to put them in “what to stop doing” immediately but after I think again.. Nah, maybe not. Anyway… So what I think I should do less. I think I should do less worrying. I’m such a worrywart and sometimes it’s bordering panicky or as Singaporeans say it, kan chiong. The thing is, I worry so much that it stresses me out and giving me even more problems (most notably my irregular sleep cycle and my insomnia). However, I believe that I should not stop worrying, like really thinking about nothing in the future and everything. I believe I should worry just a bit. I believe I should keep looking forward to the future. What will my action get me to? What will my decision bring me to? What are the things I should keep in check? And of course also worrying (but not too much) whether I’ve been really doing what I’ve promised myself to do in 2009 (aka the things to do at 2009). So yeah. 

And I guess another thing to do less is spending too much time online. You know, facebook and plurk and everything else. Talking with people online and stalking them and you know… The stuff you do online. I think I’m too used to do these that it borders addiction. (Or maybe i’m already addicted). I guess I should spend more time outside online life, like doing gyms to lose weight or working on big project. However, I believe I should not really really stop and disconnect, coz I believe in the power of online connections. And, urgh, no matter how I hate to say that term, social media is THE place, THE thing to go for 2009, and probably a few more years. I believe immersing in this stuff (I just hate saying that term for no reason, sorry) will benefit me greatly in the long run.

So yeah. Phew. I finished it before it’s new year. (it’s 23:53 when I’m writing these letters right now)

Here’s a greeting of Happy New Year to all my readers and wishing you all the good things! (coz I’m too lazy to specify the things)

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!!!!

My Christmas Wish

My mom called me at 1 AM in the morning one day. I rejected it. Who the hell picks up calls at 1 AM? However soon after she sms-ed me saying that she wished to inform me that Gong-gong (Grandpa) is in critical condition and she wanted me to check about hospitals in Singapore.

And then it hit me.

For years, I’ve been in a very comfortable status quo. Everyone’s alive and well (except my popo-Grandma from father’s side who died when I was about 7 or 8), everyone’s chirpy and a bit nosy, everyone’s loud and cheery.

It hit me that it’s not to last forever. That at some point of time it will all change, or maybe end. Maybe Grandpa will not laugh loudly at silly things his grandchildren do anymore. Maybe Grandma and Mom won’t be so chirpy anymore. Maybe Dad won’t be so smart as he is now. Maybe Gugu (Aunt) won’t cook delicious food anymore. Maybe Mami (another Aunt) won’t give us free stationery anymore (she runs a stationery shop btw).

Gong-gong is a big guy. Imagining him crippled because of his diabetes is just unbearable. He’s got this smile that everyone in family has. A big, warm, happy smile. Does he still smile now?

I usually never wish for anything at Christmas. Well I don’t even celebrate Christmas “that much” even though I’m a Christian.

Christmas wishlist will typically include material things like new gadgets, toys, clothes, and whatnots. But this year, my first ever Christmas wish will be a longer family status quo, where everyone is happy and well (including inside this, of course, for Gong-gong to get well). And if that’s not possible, I wish for strength to get through this all.

So what’s your Christmas wish?

Dear Mum and Dad

Papa, Mama,

I grew up.

But it hurts. So much.

I want to go back to the earlier years.

I want you to buy me tons of books.

I want you to clap for me when I’m playing the piano, even so horribly.

That was ten years ago, maybe even more, but still.

I want you to cut me fruits and make me tea for my snack while I’m studying.

I want you to give me books while I’m eating on the dining table.

I, strangely, want you to ask about my boyfriend. I love him so dearly, I can’t wait for you to be excited about him.

I want you to let me stay in this status quo, where you guys are still alive, cracking jokes about me and my friends, talking about conspiracy theories and recent happenings.

How long will it last?

I miss you more than you can imagine

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I’m lying alone on my bed in my pitch dark room, looking at the tiny indicator light of the aircon, knowing that you’re not on the other bed, singing or talking nonsense about your day.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I wake up for school and knowing that there won’t be breakfast waiting for me. And when I have to buy something from the foodcourt and not waiting for dinner cooked by you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I have to go to school by bus. The closest I can get is to take taxi, which is very expensive. And the taxi drivers don’t crack jokes like you. And they don’t talk about mind provoking stuff like you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some random bimbo and wondering whether you will grow up to be like them. (Seriously, hopefully not)

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some talentless actors and thinking that you can just screw your school and bad influence friends and train to become like them.

I know I seldom call home or talk to you all. Let me tell you, sometimes it’s best to do that so that my mind won’t be clouded with my longing feeling to meet you all.

But really.

I miss you more than you can imagine.

A letter to nobody

I think it was my fault.

But right now please let me hating you for being away. Because I’m selfish.

A la Blair Waldorf in the most heartbreaking Gossip Girl episode : Why did you leave without saying goodbye?

And maybe I’m a coward because I have no heart nor courage to stand up, confront you, and say just a simple sentence. You hurt me, and now why do you have to go?

And I decided to blog it because then I can pretend that you read it and you can pretend that it’s not you and we’ll both stay in silence and pretense that we know nothing and we are not involved or connected in anything.

So I forgot. The day you’re supposed to be gone. You already told me. I joked that you’re leaving Singapore, the country that is funding you, on their national day. On that darned National Day I still had works to do coz I just encountered hiccups in my internship and I brought home my work to rectify all the mistakes. So yeah. I just forgot. Poof. I forgot.

I already bought a card for me to write on. I refused to participate in the scrapbook because I said I wanted to make something by myself and they agreed. But I forgot. The card is still there, untouched, unopened. Just like another card I initially bought for you long long time ago but I never had the opportunity to give it because it was not appropriate.

I tried to talk to you as much as I can just before you go, did you realize that? I talked and talked, called you on Gtalk or MSN, just to buy me time until I could say it. Until I could ask. Until I could let you know. Perhaps I didn’t need any reactions. Or perhaps I was imagining how happy it all turned out to be at the end. I might be. I don’t wanna tell you and you don’t need to know. Perhaps you don’t want to know.

So here it goes. This is what I wanted to say.

Hi. You were a good friend of mine. At least I considered you to be so. I could tell you the story of how my life went for that day. You also. You even told me how that time you were stuck in a MRT station coz some idiot decided to kill himself in Admiralty MRT station. We went to churches together because we wanted to do “church-hopping”. We’re Catholics, so what church we’re visiting for the mass doesn’t matter. We ate meals together. At one point of time I felt that I like you more than friends and I thought you felt the same. So there we were, without any certainty, without any words said, we became closer.

And then we were torn apart. By something I don’t know until now. You suddenly became far and at first I just kept silent because I thought you became busy (you did) and maybe, just maybe, later you would have time to spend with me once again and we would sit together for the longest time and talk to each other about the weirdest stuff. Just nice. Just the things I want.

But then you didn’t come back.

I didn’t know how long it was until I realized that you would not come back. MSNs were replied short and cold. Hi-byes became less frequent. Suddenly all degraded to the level of acquaintance. Hi-bye, several short conversations when we need to, and that was it. I lost you.

You know what, it’s not that I still like you or love you or whatever that romantic feeling is that I’m writing this right now, reliving the memories I should not still remember dearly because I’m attached now.

I am now happily attached. For more than 8 months already, and we’re still going strong. Yes, I do love him, and it was not a “sudden” thing that I got attached to him, as you have always inquired. (“Why so sudden? Suddenly you got attached with him?”)

But anyway I don’t want to argue about my relationship with him. You need to know that I do love him.

So here it goes. This is what I want to say.

You hurt me. Badly.

I guess I will never know the reason why you decided to stop pursuing our relationship and I don’t think I need to know. But what hurt me the most was the silence. Even a negative statement wouldn’t hurt this bad. You kept silent. You kept me in confusion, in uncertainty. Back then I would love to wait if you’re busy or whatever. I would love to be understanding and patient enough. I liked you, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. But it was silence that I got. What is silence? Approving silence? Or I-hate-you-now-so-I-won’t-talk-to-you-anymore silence? Or whatever silence?

Silence is not good. I hate silence. I hate that silence state of ours. At first I thought that silence meant we understand each other and stuff but actually I didn’t know. And I don’t know.

So that was the first one. You hurt me with your silence. You hurt me with your uncertainty and sudden withdrawal from my life.

And here goes the next one.

After I-don’t-know-how-long period of crying and thinking what’s wrong and assuming, I finally realized.
I felt hurt so so badly not only because I liked you and our relationship didn’t go well.
But because I lost a friend. A good friend.
I was alone in Singapore goddammit and you were among the first friends I had and you were kind, even though sarcastic, and helpful.

And now here I am.
Forgetting you. The you I knew back then.
I have already tried my best to erase all the “romantic” memories. I deleted the pictures you took with my phone. Or maybe I didn’t, but I transferred it to somewhere and now I’ve forgotten where I put it. I just can’t wear that watch again, which you have set 5 minutes earlier because I was once late meeting you. There are some other things that I have conveniently forgotten, even though I know some other things existed.

And now here I am.
Attached. Not to you.

And now here I am.
Hating you. For hurting me without you even knowing. For making me feel abandoned as a friend. For going away without any chance to patch up even our friendship. For leaving without saying goodbye (even though it was my fault).

And now here I am.
Feeling so bloody stupid writing this and going to publish it soon. Because it doesn’t mention names and it’s so stupid writing an angry and emo letter not addressed to anyone. And hoping in vain and silence that it will struck a chord or something. But why should you, yes? Because it was not directed to you.. Probably.

And now here I am.
Not expecting any response. It’s the matter of saying it out not the matter of how it would turn out.
I just wanted to say what I feel. I wanted to let you know what you did to me.

And now that I’ve said (typed) what I wanted to say,
I’m signing off.

From your life too. Probably.