Don’t Write. Talk.

I started writing this entry around 1 month ago and forgot to finish it.

I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button some days ago (it was a midnight movie). I intended to write this after watching the movie but I was too tired.

Anyway, this is not a review of the movie. If you want to read reviews, there are tons of blogs or websites out there.

In one of the scene, Benjamin Button visited his sweetheart to New York. She just finished dancing, and he approached her in the backstage. Anyway, in that particular scene, I saw vintage looking telephones behind Benjamin. On it was a sticker that said “Don’t write. Talk”.

Remember that the scene was set in 1940s, when telephones just started to be used widely (more information : timeline of telephone).

I was just thinking how ironic it is now. People that time were desperate to get in touch. Before telephone, people can only send mails and perhaps some greeting cards. Even before that, messages can be only delivered by couriers, and it took days, weeks, even months to reach.

Think about the situation now. Telephone became passe and internet came along. Soon enough everyone is using it as the primary communication tool. Why do we need to punch in numbers when a double click can start us to talk?

And we communicate basically on writing. We use emoticons sometimes to aid in expressing emotions (and that’s why they’re called emoticons no?), but, you know, it’s still just writing.

And with this writing misunderstandings occur. People say you’re flaming, but you’ll say you didn’t, and people shouldn’t infer anything from written things.

I think it’s just ironic. When people have finally invented a device to let use hear and even see each other despite great distance, we chose to retreat behind written words. Yet again.

Are we going backwards in evolution?

Perhaps in near future, even words won’t even be needed anymore. Perhaps we’ll use sign languages to communicate. Perhaps later language is not important anymore, since we can so-called read minds to know what people are thinking and we don’t need to voice out our opinions.

The things to do at 2009

Ok I have 27 minutes to finish this blog post (I started writing at 23:33 PM Singapore time).

I’ve always hated the idea of making resolutions. Why should we? Why wait until new year to do/get new things?

But then I’m changing a lot this year so I guess.. I’m gonna make a resolution for the next year. But since I still quite hate the word resolution because it’s used too often, let’s just call it in layman term : “the things to do at 2009″.

So what to do? I have this idea from a person I know (identity hidden to protect privacy ), when he asked me about 3 things : What you want to start doing, what you want to stop doing, and what you want to do less. So let’s just group “the things to do at 2009″ to these 3 categories, shall we?

What to stop doing

“What to stop doing” and “what to do less” is a bit tricky. It’s very close to each other. Some things you have to really stop, quit, until it’s zilch, nada because it’s better that way. Some things you just have to do a wee bit less, because not doing it (at all) will be detrimental. Don’t think too much for that sentence coz I dunno what I’m talking about either. Anyway. What to stop doing. I want to stop doing emotional eating. AKA I’m so stressed so I’ll just eat. This includes pressing down the cravings too. I know my weight is really bordering dangerous, and seeing my grandpa’s down with diabetes, and knowing that my mom already has diabetes, I can’t help being scared can I? So I have to really really cut down on that emotional eating stuff. No, I have to stop. For the first step, I’ll probably eat some fruits whenever that emotional eating wind hits me.

What to start doing

I want to start doing a big project. A big project that I can be proud of. Perhaps writing a novel. Or setting up an online shop. Honestly, I don’t know yet. But I want to have a project, a baby that I care for, besides my mundane life that circles around school and school. Another thing to start doing, I want to start to let/force my logic take over my emotions. This is in line with the point above : to stop emotional eating. Whenever that emotional eating wind hits me and whenever craving comes, my logic knows exactly that I shouldn’t do the eating. Coz eating again and again will just make me even fatter and getting fatter will make me stressed and I’m gonna eat again and.. You know the whole cycle. So yeah. I hope I can lose weight to my healthy weight range the next year! (now this sounds like a typical resolution)

What to do less

Now it was quite tricky to think about things to put here. I wanted to put them in “what to stop doing” immediately but after I think again.. Nah, maybe not. Anyway… So what I think I should do less. I think I should do less worrying. I’m such a worrywart and sometimes it’s bordering panicky or as Singaporeans say it, kan chiong. The thing is, I worry so much that it stresses me out and giving me even more problems (most notably my irregular sleep cycle and my insomnia). However, I believe that I should not stop worrying, like really thinking about nothing in the future and everything. I believe I should worry just a bit. I believe I should keep looking forward to the future. What will my action get me to? What will my decision bring me to? What are the things I should keep in check? And of course also worrying (but not too much) whether I’ve been really doing what I’ve promised myself to do in 2009 (aka the things to do at 2009). So yeah. 

And I guess another thing to do less is spending too much time online. You know, facebook and plurk and everything else. Talking with people online and stalking them and you know… The stuff you do online. I think I’m too used to do these that it borders addiction. (Or maybe i’m already addicted). I guess I should spend more time outside online life, like doing gyms to lose weight or working on big project. However, I believe I should not really really stop and disconnect, coz I believe in the power of online connections. And, urgh, no matter how I hate to say that term, social media is THE place, THE thing to go for 2009, and probably a few more years. I believe immersing in this stuff (I just hate saying that term for no reason, sorry) will benefit me greatly in the long run.

So yeah. Phew. I finished it before it’s new year. (it’s 23:53 when I’m writing these letters right now)

Here’s a greeting of Happy New Year to all my readers and wishing you all the good things! (coz I’m too lazy to specify the things)

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!!!!

My Christmas Wish

My mom called me at 1 AM in the morning one day. I rejected it. Who the hell picks up calls at 1 AM? However soon after she sms-ed me saying that she wished to inform me that Gong-gong (Grandpa) is in critical condition and she wanted me to check about hospitals in Singapore.

And then it hit me.

For years, I’ve been in a very comfortable status quo. Everyone’s alive and well (except my popo-Grandma from father’s side who died when I was about 7 or 8), everyone’s chirpy and a bit nosy, everyone’s loud and cheery.

It hit me that it’s not to last forever. That at some point of time it will all change, or maybe end. Maybe Grandpa will not laugh loudly at silly things his grandchildren do anymore. Maybe Grandma and Mom won’t be so chirpy anymore. Maybe Dad won’t be so smart as he is now. Maybe Gugu (Aunt) won’t cook delicious food anymore. Maybe Mami (another Aunt) won’t give us free stationery anymore (she runs a stationery shop btw).

Gong-gong is a big guy. Imagining him crippled because of his diabetes is just unbearable. He’s got this smile that everyone in family has. A big, warm, happy smile. Does he still smile now?

I usually never wish for anything at Christmas. Well I don’t even celebrate Christmas “that much” even though I’m a Christian.

Christmas wishlist will typically include material things like new gadgets, toys, clothes, and whatnots. But this year, my first ever Christmas wish will be a longer family status quo, where everyone is happy and well (including inside this, of course, for Gong-gong to get well). And if that’s not possible, I wish for strength to get through this all.

So what’s your Christmas wish?

Dear Mum and Dad

Papa, Mama,

I grew up.

But it hurts. So much.

I want to go back to the earlier years.

I want you to buy me tons of books.

I want you to clap for me when I’m playing the piano, even so horribly.

That was ten years ago, maybe even more, but still.

I want you to cut me fruits and make me tea for my snack while I’m studying.

I want you to give me books while I’m eating on the dining table.

I, strangely, want you to ask about my boyfriend. I love him so dearly, I can’t wait for you to be excited about him.

I want you to let me stay in this status quo, where you guys are still alive, cracking jokes about me and my friends, talking about conspiracy theories and recent happenings.

How long will it last?

I don’t believe in fairytales

Girls, and boys, grow up with fairytales. We were filled with positive thoughts, dreams, and hopes.

And then reality hit us when we’re growing up. Things are never easy. Things are not beautiful. After tears and letdowns, sometimes there’s still no happy ending. After crying because the evil stepmom never allowed us to go to the party, there’s still no fairy godmother coming and helping to meet the prince. There’s never a perfect thing in the world.

But sometimes we hold so dear to the thoughts that there really is a perfect thing. Perfect relationship. Perfect friendship. Perfect life. Perfect luck.

When do hopes become false hopes? When do dreams become unrealistic dreams? When do you draw the line?

I guess no one knows the exact answer, but I believe that people should, at some point of time, stop for a while and look at the big picture.

Somehow, I think, part of growing up is really knowing that fairytales don’t exist. Knowing that hopes and dreams, no matter how beautiful, can be impossible sometimes. Preparing for the worst. Getting ready for the unimaginable.

I’m not saying that I’ve stopped dreaming though. I think what still keeps me going is my own dream of seeing better days.

But I’ve stopped believing in fairytales. I’ve stopped hoping that everything is going to be fine, everything is going to be more or less perfect.

Things don’t happen that way and I’m glad that I know it early.

And at the same time I’m also sad. Innocence has lost. Please welcome, the bitter and cold me.

Fairytales, go to hell.

I miss you more than you can imagine

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I’m lying alone on my bed in my pitch dark room, looking at the tiny indicator light of the aircon, knowing that you’re not on the other bed, singing or talking nonsense about your day.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I wake up for school and knowing that there won’t be breakfast waiting for me. And when I have to buy something from the foodcourt and not waiting for dinner cooked by you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I have to go to school by bus. The closest I can get is to take taxi, which is very expensive. And the taxi drivers don’t crack jokes like you. And they don’t talk about mind provoking stuff like you.

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some random bimbo and wondering whether you will grow up to be like them. (Seriously, hopefully not)

I miss you more than you can imagine

When I see some talentless actors and thinking that you can just screw your school and bad influence friends and train to become like them.

I know I seldom call home or talk to you all. Let me tell you, sometimes it’s best to do that so that my mind won’t be clouded with my longing feeling to meet you all.

But really.

I miss you more than you can imagine.

The Middle Girl

Sometimes I feel that I’m always in the middle.

Not good enough, but not bad either.

My grades are never top grades, but they’re still adequate to keep me from being kicked out. I play piano, finished my grade 7, but I’m still not able to play Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu.

Perhaps it’s because of my nature of being jack-of-all-trades. I don’t quite understand why I became one. Perhaps it was because of several lessons I took when I was a child. I never know.

The saying “jack of all trades, master of none” scares me sometimes.

After all it kinda sucks being a middle girl. People know you can, but you’re not the expert. You’re not the best.

Countless people have told me that I need to choose one. I need to focus.

But I honestly tell you, I can’t.

I’ve analyzed each of my interests, weigh them, see whether they’ll benefit me in the future, and the blah and the blah and the blah.

I got tired. But after pondering for some time (actually quite a long time) for this, I think I know my passion : to know a lot about as many things as I can.

However that still doesn’t free my status as “The Middle Girl”.

I still don’t know, though, whether it’s a blessing or a curse. What do you think?

—BONUS—

A video of Chopin’s Fantaisie Impromptu (I don’t know whether I spelt it right. Don’t bash me if I didn’t)

A video of me playing “Giga” by John Loeillet. This was my exam piece for my grade 7 exam. Be aware though that I don’t play this clumsily for my exam! Haha. This was just one of my practice, I wanted to know how I sounded so I recorded it. This video is also dedicated to Wilfrid, who, if I remember correctly, asked to see my piano performance. Well here’s one of my unglam performance.

sylv playing piano – john loeillet – giga from Sylvia Giacinta on Vimeo.

Where is home?

Home. One word, four letters. How big is a word that can make me confused and insecure? Only a four-letter word.

So which one should I call home? After 2 years in Singapore, I know I’m very comfortable living here. I miss Singapore when I’m back in Jakarta, and vice versa.

But somehow I think people that claim to be the “native” of places that I’ve lived in don’t really think I should live in the same place with them.

I remember vividly May 1998. How can I ever forget it. (read my reminiscence here) I was barely 9 years old but I can feel the hatred directed to me. To my people. We, the people with fairer skin that live in a fairly big house and go to private school. They say we’re stealing their welfare. They say we’re stealing their jobs. We’ve made them deprived of better life.

I remember how I was made to pay more for my food because of who I am. I remember uncovering a letter of “citizenship confirmation” with my dad’s name on it. Dad said he had to do it because it was compulsory that time. I remember being called names and being whistled at when I’m walking down a street.

Some still accuse us of being snobbish and arrogant because we’re not down-to-earth or in other words refusing to befriend so-called “native” people. Well here’s a shocking truth for you : we’re not. But considering what your so-called brothers in race did to us, it’s natural for us to stay cautious, right?

I moved to Singapore, and ha ha, guess what. I found out that the so-called locals don’t really like us either. “Us” now refers to people who moved to Singapore in search of better place to study, to work, to live. Well how lucky I am to be in the “unwanted” category again?

But ha ha ha. Guess what, Singaporeans. Your government has decided to give me a tuition grant that waived me 60 (that spells SIXTY) percent of my tuition fees, with only condition that requires me to work in any Singapore listed company for 3 years.

I posed this question to Mr. Peter Ho (a member of parliament – sorry I forgot what the exact title of his job is), who came to SMU to deliver a talk titled 4 myths of public service.

“What do you think of the current state, where there are so many migrants coming to Singapore? Do you think it will influence or maybe change public policy in the future?”

It is pretty much a yes-no question, but he answered like this: (paraphrased)

“Well you must remember that Singapore has always been a migrant community. That’s what we’re built upon. So, no, there will be no change whatsoever because Singapore is already a migrant community. I guess Singaporeans must put their emotions aside and accept foreign talents”

So when will Singaporeans, the people born in Singapore, think like Mr Peter Ho? Accept that I, like many other people here, am here not to steal the bowl of rice, but to share it. After all, I believe I and many other people like me are not that evil. We’re thankful of what Singapore has given us. Like, of course, our 60% cut of tuition fees. haha. But really. If I’m asked to give back something to Singapore, I will. It’s not that I’m betraying my country. It’s just being gracious.

I’m pleased to say, though, that I see my current generation is becoming more and more “bonded” together regardless of race or whatever things that differentiate us. I’m glad to say that I mingle easily with Singaporeans, and I have no problem whatsoever communicating to so-called “native” of Indonesia.

Will we see a big change as my current generation grows older? We shall see.. What do you think?

And meanwhile, I’m still confused on which to call home. Maybe I should just call both home. That’d be fair.