My Grey World

I think it was my fault.

But right now please let me hating you for being away. Because I’m selfish.

A la Blair Waldorf in the most heartbreaking Gossip Girl episode : Why did you leave without saying goodbye?

And maybe I’m a coward because I have no heart nor courage to stand up, confront you, and say just a simple sentence. You hurt me, and now why do you have to go?

And I decided to blog it because then I can pretend that you read it and you can pretend that it’s not you and we’ll both stay in silence and pretense that we know nothing and we are not involved or connected in anything.

So I forgot. The day you’re supposed to be gone. You already told me. I joked that you’re leaving Singapore, the country that is funding you, on their national day. On that darned National Day I still had works to do coz I just encountered hiccups in my internship and I brought home my work to rectify all the mistakes. So yeah. I just forgot. Poof. I forgot.

I already bought a card for me to write on. I refused to participate in the scrapbook because I said I wanted to make something by myself and they agreed. But I forgot. The card is still there, untouched, unopened. Just like another card I initially bought for you long long time ago but I never had the opportunity to give it because it was not appropriate.

I tried to talk to you as much as I can just before you go, did you realize that? I talked and talked, called you on Gtalk or MSN, just to buy me time until I could say it. Until I could ask. Until I could let you know. Perhaps I didn’t need any reactions. Or perhaps I was imagining how happy it all turned out to be at the end. I might be. I don’t wanna tell you and you don’t need to know. Perhaps you don’t want to know.

So here it goes. This is what I wanted to say.

Hi. You were a good friend of mine. At least I considered you to be so. I could tell you the story of how my life went for that day. You also. You even told me how that time you were stuck in a MRT station coz some idiot decided to kill himself in Admiralty MRT station. We went to churches together because we wanted to do “church-hopping”. We’re Catholics, so what church we’re visiting for the mass doesn’t matter. We ate meals together. At one point of time I felt that I like you more than friends and I thought you felt the same. So there we were, without any certainty, without any words said, we became closer.

And then we were torn apart. By something I don’t know until now. You suddenly became far and at first I just kept silent because I thought you became busy (you did) and maybe, just maybe, later you would have time to spend with me once again and we would sit together for the longest time and talk to each other about the weirdest stuff. Just nice. Just the things I want.

But then you didn’t come back.

I didn’t know how long it was until I realized that you would not come back. MSNs were replied short and cold. Hi-byes became less frequent. Suddenly all degraded to the level of acquaintance. Hi-bye, several short conversations when we need to, and that was it. I lost you.

You know what, it’s not that I still like you or love you or whatever that romantic feeling is that I’m writing this right now, reliving the memories I should not still remember dearly because I’m attached now.

I am now happily attached. For more than 8 months already, and we’re still going strong. Yes, I do love him, and it was not a “sudden” thing that I got attached to him, as you have always inquired. (“Why so sudden? Suddenly you got attached with him?”)

But anyway I don’t want to argue about my relationship with him. You need to know that I do love him.

So here it goes. This is what I want to say.

You hurt me. Badly.

I guess I will never know the reason why you decided to stop pursuing our relationship and I don’t think I need to know. But what hurt me the most was the silence. Even a negative statement wouldn’t hurt this bad. You kept silent. You kept me in confusion, in uncertainty. Back then I would love to wait if you’re busy or whatever. I would love to be understanding and patient enough. I liked you, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. But it was silence that I got. What is silence? Approving silence? Or I-hate-you-now-so-I-won’t-talk-to-you-anymore silence? Or whatever silence?

Silence is not good. I hate silence. I hate that silence state of ours. At first I thought that silence meant we understand each other and stuff but actually I didn’t know. And I don’t know.

So that was the first one. You hurt me with your silence. You hurt me with your uncertainty and sudden withdrawal from my life.

And here goes the next one.

After I-don’t-know-how-long period of crying and thinking what’s wrong and assuming, I finally realized.
I felt hurt so so badly not only because I liked you and our relationship didn’t go well.
But because I lost a friend. A good friend.
I was alone in Singapore goddammit and you were among the first friends I had and you were kind, even though sarcastic, and helpful.

And now here I am.
Forgetting you. The you I knew back then.
I have already tried my best to erase all the “romantic” memories. I deleted the pictures you took with my phone. Or maybe I didn’t, but I transferred it to somewhere and now I’ve forgotten where I put it. I just can’t wear that watch again, which you have set 5 minutes earlier because I was once late meeting you. There are some other things that I have conveniently forgotten, even though I know some other things existed.

And now here I am.
Attached. Not to you.

And now here I am.
Hating you. For hurting me without you even knowing. For making me feel abandoned as a friend. For going away without any chance to patch up even our friendship. For leaving without saying goodbye (even though it was my fault).

And now here I am.
Feeling so bloody stupid writing this and going to publish it soon. Because it doesn’t mention names and it’s so stupid writing an angry and emo letter not addressed to anyone. And hoping in vain and silence that it will struck a chord or something. But why should you, yes? Because it was not directed to you.. Probably.

And now here I am.
Not expecting any response. It’s the matter of saying it out not the matter of how it would turn out.
I just wanted to say what I feel. I wanted to let you know what you did to me.

And now that I’ve said (typed) what I wanted to say,
I’m signing off.

From your life too. Probably.

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