My Grey World

Cece was excited and eager to see you ever since Cece’s sister (Cece Fiona/Ona) told Cece that Khew Mei (Auntie) was pregnant with you. Cece even browsed a lot of baby names website to search for a name for you. Cece has given names to your brother and sisters, even though only the middle name.

Cece is not coming home to Jakarta this year due to one or many reasons Cece hates. Cece was very, very busy, and then Cece Fiona sms-ed Cece to say that you had been born, and named Nicole days before. Cece was quite pissed, why didn’t she get told immediately earlier? Why did they forget me? Seems like your Kuku (auntie) and Kuchong (uncle) and other Ceces were too busy to inform Cece.

Soon enough, Cece Fiona updated Cece again. She said you were born with only one eye, and it had not been known whether it worked properly. Cece’s heart broke. But Cece still wanted to see you, even once. Cece wanted you to know and recognize Cece, who was also eager to see you coming to world.

But what can Cece do?

Yesterday, amidst of many unread Twitter messages that Cece was too lazy to read, Cece found an sms from Cece Fiona. It was just a sentence. One sentence. Five words.

“Nicole has just passed away….”

Cece cried. Hard.
Cece doesn’t really know why. She’s never seen you. You didn’t even know that Cece existed. Even Cece’s family had not been very eager to share news about you to Cece.
But Cece cried.

Perhaps you didn’t want to be a burden to your parents, who has already had 3 children. Perhaps you were suffering so much. Perhaps you couldn’t bear to see your parents suffering. Perhaps you didn’t want to live an imperfect life, and wanted to leave as soon as possible while you can.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps.. Quizás quizás quizás…

Whatever it might be……..

It’s unbelievable. It’s surreal. Before Cece has even had a chance to witness your existence, you are gone.

Rest in peace, Nicole.
Cece loves you. Cece knows she does. Even though she’s never seen you.

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