My Grey World

Important note : PROCEED WITH CAUTION. This important note is serious. This entry will talk about one’s mother. If you are the kind of person who really loves your own mother (I know many of you do), you might get offended or insulted or the likes. I would not accept any comments about being ungrateful child or the likes. Comments in the same line with that will be immediately deleted.

Less important note : this entry is long.

Okay, so, I’m really concerned about my friend now.

She’s been very depressed by this issue. She used to be very “bright” and chatty and she did well in school, but now she’s always gloomy, like there’s this black aura around her, and her grades declined sharply. She has told me all the details of the stories and, as much as I am concerned, sadly, I can’t help. So I decided to do this rather cowardly move (she doesn’t read my blog) to ask you, my readers, for your helping comments. Come on, I have like 100++ reads for my pings in ping.sg. There are many of you, right? If you’ve been lurking lately, please emerge and comment.

So let’s begin.

As I have said, it’s about my friend’s mother. Let’s just call her Sia, because it’s short and I like the singer Sia. Sia had never been in good terms with her mother, which is another way to say that Sia hates her mother. She never elaborated why, but I drew conclusion that basically her mother never really cares about how she feels and emotionally abused her continuously. Sia said she didn’t feel comfortable at home at all, so now she’s living in an apartment with housemates away from her mother.

While away from her mother, she kept touch with her sisters (she has two) and her cousin who is very close to her nuclear family. One day she came back to home and catch up even more with her sisters and cousin and was told a horrifying fact : her mom is having an affair.

They (the sisters and cousin) said it started when Sia’s grandpa had to be hospitalized coz of some health problem (she never gave details). Sia’s mother had to stay in hospital to take care of the grandpa and this lad was there to take care of some other person (Sia didn’t know and I guess she doesn’t bother to know). And so they met. And so they talked to each other. And so they exchanged phone numbers. And so they started to sms each other.

I also don’t know what charm does that lad have (Sia heard that the lad just graduated from uni and presumably about 23/24-ish) but he charmed Sia’s mother. Sia’s mother became so smitten with him. SMSes never stopped. When Sia’s father is not around the mother will call that lad, giggly and all that. The mother became very defensive and always tried to hide her handphone. Nobody was allowed to touch her handphone. Her handphone was always on her side.

Sia thought it was nothing. Sia had always known that her parents’ relationships had been strained for a long time, as long as she can remember. She said she even laughed at it. But she wished her mother would stop. At least just cheesy lovey-dovey SMSes and calls and that’s it. Sia said she herself saw the smses. She said they were so cheesy. (Sia has a boyfriend, so she should know, I guess) Sia stole a peek to the highly guarded handphone while it was being charged in her mom’s room (she was back to her home that day) and her mom was taking a bath. Sia said her mom disguised the name of that lad with the name of her mom’s best friend (female of course). They were smsing all the time, basically. Sia also spotted that at some point of time the lad basically wanted to break up (if they ever really had a relationship) but her mother insisted because “Nobody else would want me since I’m old, ugly, and married”. Sia said she was a bit relieved since this means that the lad actually didn’t want to get serious with her mom. (sidenote : I mean, erm, like seriously?) She left her home again and hoped that it would stop in time.

It did not. Unfortunately.

Sia just went back home to visit her sisters and other family members to catch up. She is now back in her apartment again. And then she told me the terrifying fact : the affair still goes on. And it’s even worse now. Money is now involved. Sia’s mother transferred money to that lad, which from now on will be called asshole coz obviously he was taking advantage of Sia’s mother. Sia said that her sister claimed that (I know this is a complicated referral) that asshole now has a car (WTF!!!!!!!) and a phone and who knows many others. And I know Sia has been living on limited allowance that only allows her to pay rent+utilities. transport, and eat/drink cheaply without a room to have some “luxury”. I know coz I lent her money sometimes when she’s really broke, as in really broke until she doesn’t have even a single cent to buy a proper food or drink. Yes, that miserable. And if you look at her stuff and where she lives (her apartment and her real home), you will know that actually she didn’t come from a poor family. Her parents are quite well off enough to provide her. (The “stuff” is her laptop, hp, etc….) And now she has to live like a poor peasant. I can see she’s quite desperate of this. Probably not because she used to live with enough/more than enough money, but because she doesn’t like to lend money from someone else. Sia doesn’t like to bother people around her with her problems and I know it. So you see, when she talked about this problem to me, I knew how serious it was.

Sia also said that her mom now dared to go to the town where the asshole is living. (Yes, apparently the asshole doesn’t live in the same town!) The mom used “work” as an excuse. But of course, -this is the best part- everyone knows she didn’t go there for work.

Apparently, everyone knows. Her sister knows (obviously), her cousin knows, her father knows (gasp!), her grandparents also knows. Sia also said that her father DID call the asshole but then the asshole reported it to Sia’s mother and the father got scolded instead. I don’t know why it became like that either. Some strange situation..

Okay, so. Sia said that her main concern is NOT her mother or the asshole. Yes the statement kinda surprised me too. It’s her sisters that concerned her. Sia loves her sisters so much and very very protective of them. She’s the first child, you see. It’s a natural thing I guess (I’m a first child too). Sia, who is not living in her home anymore, is obviously stressed and frustrated by the fact that her mom is having a scandalous and expensive affair. Can you imagine what’s happening to the sisters? It’s very bad. The middle sister is depressed and confided in Sia (as she told me) that she sometimes suddenly cried out of nowhere because of this. The youngest sister, the closest to the mom, knows about the affair and the mom knows that she knows. Complicated right? And that youngest sister (who is merely 13 years old -!!!!!!) once scolded the mom also. The result? Pretty bad. She got yelled and the next days everything she did became wrong and she even got physically abused. Punishing your child with physical punishment might sound a bit sensible when the child is younger (i can’t justify this though… please don’t attack this sentence), but a 13-year-old still being abused physically? I personally think something. is. severely. wrong. Sia said that she heard that her sister (that youngest one) also said (not angrily) to her mother about “What do you see in him? he’s young and money-less. What do you expect of him?”. The mother answered “Well, what to do, I’m in love….”

!!!!!!
Seriously. (I said this to Sia too)
Okay so the main problem which I need you to help is how to make the mom stop? Not for the sake of herself (Sia said she doesn’t care about that old hag – true words she used), but to her sisters. As I said the father didn’t sit around and do nothing. He did call the asshole. Yet the affair still continues. The sister scolded the mom. No use. Sia said maybe scolding is not a right idea since a mom is like a teenage on puppy love. When you tell them not to, they will act even worse. Like, of course you know that the guy your daughter is dating is no good at all coz when you’re older you can “see”. But of course the daughter won’t listen to you. Something like that.

Sia said that she thinks the problem doesn’t lie with the asshole. It’s with her mom. She said in surprisingly cool way that her mom just wants that attention and really desperate for attention. Sia said she acts like a brainless teenage with, unfortunately, bigger possessions. What are the most expensive things can teenagers give to his/her puppy love? Some flower bouquets? Some dinner in lux restaurants? (Except you’re a teenager from Gossip Girl…..)

I have said all possible options I can think of to Sia. I can’t think of many. I juz could think about her scolding the mom (Sia is obviously very matured, maybe more mature than the mom), ask the father to react even more (Sia said her father is very quiet and naturally doesn’t want troubles – i don’t understand either), or even report to the police (Sia said no evidence and what case would it be?) Sia said she had thought about possible ways. Sia had the asshole’s phone number – copied from her mom’s handphone she peeked earlier-, but calling or smsing him abusively won’t help since the asshole will surely report to the mom. And who knows if her already low allowance will get cut and all worse things than that. She even thought about retrieving the asshole’s address (she said her sister can do it for her), and just go there in one weekend to directly walk in to meet the asshole and punch him in the face or scold him or something like that. I said it would be expensive and she agreed.

And so.. We don’t know anymore.

Please comment about what you think. Even some comfort notes for Sia coz I believe she needs them. I will forward it to her after I feel I’m ready to tell her that I wrote this in my blog. Please tell me/Sia what you think is the better idea to make her mom stop and save her sisters (who are 13 and 15) from depression/trauma that can affect their well being. Your contribution will be anonymous but feel good that you might be helping someone, even a family.

Please help. Please.

Regarding the title..
I personally think Sia mainly feels depressed/frustrated because she feels neglected in some way. Sia still loves her mother. And she can’t afford the fact that her mother loves somebody more than she loves her family. Actually she said something regarding this (If I remember correctly). She said “No matter how much I hate her, she’s my mother and that’s a fact I can’t change. When something really can’t change, I guess it’s best that we adapt. So I chose to love her, and I really still do, deep down in my heart. There’s a bonding that can’t be broken somehow. Even if I wish it was. I wish it was, you know? I wish it was. But it’s not. I can’t change that. So I guess I won’t fight. It’ll still that way. It’s easier.” (this is paraphrased from what I can remember of what she said. I remember coz I was quite amazed. come on. aren’t you?)

Please help me to help Sia. You know you want to. Please.

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