My Grey World

Here I am, accompanied with the songs from winamp, writing all this stuff.
I feel so full inside.
Who’s gonna be here, to become a shoulder to cry on, a friend to rely on?
(Tommy Page, anyone?)
The people that said “I’ll be there for you” had all gone.
One to America, one to Canada, one to Australia, the last one to Germany, and the recent one is residing in Bali.
Fortunately I still got this lovely blog to hold all my stories.
Ermmm.. But I wanna thank this guy that said he’s gonna be here. Hopefully you’ll keep your promise… (anyway, actually don’t bother to open his blog coz it haven’t been updated for a long time)
Ah, but you didn’t promise anyway.

Gee, how should I start?
So, guys, to say it concisely, the time is coming.

We’ll see the truth coming
And we’ll see how my dream, how my future plan b   r   e   a   k    s
And
S
               C
     a             t
t

   e                                 R           R

e                         d

     i               n
t                    o

p

i          e           c

     e                    s .       .               .                         .

Will I ever be able to take these pieces and put it all together again?
To finish my own puzzle… The puzzle that I have made for myself to finish.

It was a really sad time back there in the hospital. His mother held and kissed him on his head, and couldn’t stop crying until she came out from the room. (you know who ‘he’ is. if don’t, please read my previous posts kay..)
His wife cried together with his eldest sister.
And I (yes I, none else) told them to get far from him.
I don’t want him to see the sad things.
What I want is, he can go peacefully and calmly, without thinking much about the family he would leave.
We should be strong, eh?
I’m not the best in covering my feeling but I really tried to smile in front of him. He missed me, they said. He’d been calling my name (“Ah Vi… Ah Vi…”) anytime anyone come to see him.
And when I finally came, he couldn’t say anything. I mean, anything clear.
I hope he had been relieved that he had seen me.
I don’t want him to ask “Ah Vi a booy oh?” (means : Where is Ah Vi?” in Chinese Hakka) anymore.
*FYI, I am called Vivi by my family and because we’re Chinese, they added “Ah” there*

I won’t ask GOD to make a miracle then PooF! the disease is gone.
What I want now is, that GOD could touch his heart, and could show him HIS greatness, before it’s too late…

Would you pray with me guys?

I know, I should face this. I should face the truth.
But still………
Sometimes, I just wanna
Vanish …………………………………………………….
so that I don’t have to face this.

I envy some of my friends, sometimes. Note this, some. Why do their life seem to be problem-free? I mean, not that problem-free, but what they’re facing will always be….. Just that. No more. Having some arguments with parents, or problems with friends, or thinking much about their marks in school.
They needn’t to think about anything else. They just need to live their life.
They can live the life they want.
They don’t have to struggle to get the life they want.

But then, i guess,  everything happens for a reason, eh?
Maybe this is the reason why I had to go through “hard” times.
So that I would be strong for even harder times, like this.

If YOU want it, Pop, so it be.
Make me strong when I can’t accept your will.
Make me realize what you want.
So that I won’t be regretting the times I fought through your decision.
Any of your decision will be the best for me.
I’m sure, you won’t make me sad forever.
But after all, Pop, thank you.
I dare say, I’m happy.
Despite all the hard things I had to face.
Despite being alone to fight all this stuff.
I’m happy. I dare say I’m happy.
Despite these tears that are coming down now.
I’m happy.
And thank you for that, Pop.
You didn’t make me blind. You didn’t make the future too dark to be seen by me.
When I know it’s coming, please make me strong.
As you have made me before.. Until now.
Thank you.