My Grey World

Gee. I got so much to type in my mind. Feels like as if my head would explode. (and if you find some grammatical errors here, please forgive me, juz this time..)
Okay, anyway.
I cried. Again.
Again? Yeah, again. After crying chaotically when my mother keeps on insisting me to apply for UX. Okay, I’m not hiding it anymore. Insisting me to apply for a place in the shit-hole Universitas Pelita Harapan.
What is it, now?
Still the same stuff. Insisting. Forcing. And whatever it is. I’m not gonna write a series of thesaurus here.
But now, I cried even more. Because a clarification had been made.
Now I know why mother keeps on insisting me.
It’s because of a family thingy.
Okay, I’m not gonna make any of you confused. I’m gonna explain it to you, fast.
You see, my uncle (the husband of my father’s sister) has been seriously ill. And he’s facing…… Well, you know, the most not-hoped part of an illness. I, and my family, never state this explicitly. We’re behaving as if we didn’t know anything. As if that threat wasn’t approaching.
But we just know. We know that we, each other, know.
You see, my cousin is now studying at UPH.
Do you see the connection?
I was made entering UPH to accompany that sister-like cousin.
To accompany her mother, too.
My mother wants me to accompany them after my uncle……. well, you know.
My cousin actually has a brother. But, I’m not being harsh here, he’s not a type of person that you can rely on.
My mother is afraid that they would be lonely.
And I, as the first-born, the closest relative to them (including the distance of our homes), should be accompanying them.
See? That put me in such a dilemmatic phase.
Gee, is this the time that I should regret to be born as an Asian, a Chinese specifically?
The ethnic group that honours family above all.
You want some proof? What’s your opinion about having to take 3 incenses (not less, not more), burn them then sway them then put them in a sandbox (or something like that) in front of the photographs of relatives that already passed away (beside the fruits, roasted chicken, little snacks)?
They said, it is to honour our passed-away relatives.
Or you wanna know what we must do after that.
We burn the paper that reads bank note, and a pair of paper shoes/sandals along with paper suit.
Paper? Yeah, paper. See, it’s too expensive to burn the real ones.
Why must we do that? They say, it is to give our relatives “money” to shopping “there”, and to give them “something to wear” “there”.
You got my point?
I just wanna live on my own. MY OWN. Not like this. Well,,, you know what I mean, rite?

But I’m not telling you that I’ve surrendered and I will follow my family’s will, if you think I will.

Nothing can stop me to get what I want. I must get what I want if I can.

Nothing, noone.

Not my family, just like this. Not my boyfriend, if I finally have one.

I WILL get what I want.

Oh, there’s one thing that can stop me.
GOD. I will follow anything HE tells me.

But is this what YOU want to be, dear GOD?
Is it the reason why I’m crying and crying even though I’ve made a statement “Nothing can stop me” ?

…………………Gosh.

I can make it through the rain.. I can stand up once again on my own, and I know that I’m strong enough to mend. And everytime I feel afraid, I hold tighter to my faith. And I’ll live, once again. And I’ll make it through the rain…
Mariah Carey –Through The Rain

You know the sunlight always shines, behind the clouds of London sky…
Jamie Cullum –London Sky